Okay so I happened upon a post sometime ago that stated out some pointers for upcoming artistes and what they needed to do if they wanted their songs to be instant hits. It was so funny that I laughed hard and hard again. Although it was a myriad of things but I’ll try to recollect what they looked like so y’all can help me judge whether it’s for real or not.
Here they are… as summarized and edited by me.
To start with, Yoruba is
key… in this industry at least. Do you know Don Jazzy, Waje, Omawumi
and Runtown are all non-natives? Yet they belt out that dialect like
they designed it. So step one, get with the Yoruba programme. While
you’re at that, appraise yourself of the vernacular. Rap bars are spat
on in pidgin today and even Praiz and Tiwa Savage belt their vocal
hearts out in pidgin.
The acts. Make sure you have a signature opening line like Tubaba’s na so, na so (as evidenced from Kiss Daniel’s Woju song), Wizkid’s iyeyeye or the overly used elelelele. Then always accompany it with a loud chant of your stage alias (name) which should be something quite unique like O.B.O Baddest, Olamide Baddo, I’m D’Banj or even Tiwa… Sa-vage.
Next up, sound the producer’s name. And for effect, it better be
someone like Shizzi, Masterkraft or… wait for it, Don Jazzy! If they’re
not Sarz, DJ Coublon, Legendury Beatz or in the category of the
afore-mentioned, abeg make dem stay dia lane.
The track. The title should be something coined up that can arouse particular interest on it’s meaning. Dorobucci, Looku Looku, Tongolo, Limpopo, Shuperu… and how dare me forget aaahh Shoki. Or in it’s place, just sing about an Uju, Ifunanya, Adanma, Onyinye, Yetunde, Olufunmi or Falila.
The genres should be strictly pop, afrobeats and dance. Here’s the
tricky part. For the dance genre, you have to ‘tag’ the style so it can
trend. Kukere, Sekem, Alingo, Alanta, Yahoozee, Shoki. Seeing as dance is the theme, screw impressive lyrical writing and just yap on about anything. For emphasis, talk about your haters (this is very key) and how you have hammered.
Versace, Bugatti and Hennessy are the catch words. You’re free to make
repetitions, that’s the only way your message sinks. Then for that
special T-Pain/Akon effect, you can auto-tune your voice into oblivion.
The feature. I mean
you’re reaching for the skies, not so? Thus if you must, get a really
big act that can help push your star up. Let the success of Joe-El and
Tuface, Runtown and Davido, Lil Kesh, Olamide and Davido, guide you.
Finally. On the track,
get a closing slogan. Something that leaves a memorable impression and
induces a listener to replaying your song like Yemi Alade’s ho ha, Wizkid’s yaga or Flavour’s oyolima. And
unless it wasn’t Suka Sounds, Indomix or Sheyman that toyed with your
record, please label these music geniuses on your track’s close.
Then the video. This is
where you get to show case everything from your big feature to your
blinging Versace, Hennessy and perhaps the borrowed Bugatti. Also flash a
couple wads of international currencies as well. That helps. Only light
skinned girls are allowed as the vixens to troll in your video and they
must be almost nude. If you’re well built as a guy, please take off
your shirt and bare your physical giftings. For ladies, just show us
that supple skin in all the curvaceous areas. Ask Iyanya, Peter Okoye,
Tiwa Savage and Emma Nyra. They know this well. And then Clarence Peters
or Unlimited L.A has got to be your video director. They make your
videos look like you went to outer space just to shoot.
So there, we have it. There’s also a part on the roles the media and
music fans play but I’ve chosen to skip that for some other time, maybe.
Know that I’m eagerly waiting on your responses. Are these just a bunch
of stereotypes perceived from the successes of one, two, three
up-comers? Or a tried and tested theory evidenced from the successes of
some next rated acts? Please educate us, we’d really love to know.